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miz_annelieseI wanted to post memories while I was still drowning in them, but maybe it's better that I do it now, while I can think.
Nobody will care about these but me, but that's ok.
I remember
-holding xian's hand at a planetarium. And I still have the tiger's eye ring he gave me.
-meeting steven at a bookstore and realizing that the very, very tall gorgeous man in black leather pants was, in fact, the person I was supposed to meet.
-the way I met phil, by my friend leaning out of a window and screaming that I thought he was cute. And I remember strip 2-person spades, and listening to rain on the porch in the early hours of the morning, with a cup of tea.
-teaching MQ to love the song "The Freshmen", by The Verve Pipe, based on the arrangements of notes in the chorus.
-singing Dar Williams on a porch, being eaten alive by mosquitoes.
-michelle, and marc, and a bottle of Amaretto.
-colin, though I don't know why sometimes. I didn't know him, really. But I remember he shaved his head in a reverse mohawk.
-strip pool and Thanksgiving at aaron's house. And ducking outside, naked, into a snowy evening, to thrill at the feel of cold on my skin.
-the first time I drank maker's mark and coke, and had a patented [catallaxy]-burger. And I remember the way he looked holding john and mindy's baby.
-reading ben's play. But I mostly remember how special I felt knowing that he trusted me to proofread it.
-gay clubs with rian. And every beautiful queer boy telling me how wonderful I looked. And that I used to be able to fit in his jeans.
-the first time I made love. And the hotel. And prom. And the other couple.
-the first time I felt alive after my life with my ex fell apart. The way I knew it was bound to happen when I got a flat tire.
-knowing that LN, despite being my exact opposite, was the best roommate I ever had, for the simple fact that she balanced me perfectly.
-a tall, stunning asian boy staring at his feet in front of a row of vt220 computers. And I remember being naughty in the computer lab.
-finding out a friend was gay.
-every person that bent over backwards to let me back out of college after my step-father died.
-teaching kevin that homosexuality is not evil. And laying on the couch at the apartment in Mt. Vernon, listening to Angel by Sarah McLachlan, thinking about him and watching a rainstorm.
-the most perfect kiss ever. Outside, on a warm summer's night, rain and lightning everywhere, electric and wet and absolutely stunning, with my hand on his cheek and his on mine and a moment of complete inevitability.
I have so much history, so much backstory. I feel like so much has happened in my life. I realize after making this list that the things that stand out most in my mind about the people I've known aren't the stereotypical highlights of any relationship... it's the simple things. I don't know why they would make such an impression. I don't know why I can picture the way he looked, staring at his feet, the exact positions we were in, the introductions, the shyness, and there's so much more that's lost along the way.
I think I'm one of the few people that will admit they regret a few things that they've done in the past. Nearly every person I know claims proudly that they've made mistakes, oh yes, but they regret NOTHING! And yeah, I've said it before, too. We are imperfect beings, me included, and you know what? I fucked up pretty bad sometimes. And I deeply regret how I handled things. But that's the way it is. I've learned from it, yes. But can I honestly say I wouldn't have been better off if I hadn't fucked up in the first place? No. Not exactly.
Nobody will care about these but me, but that's ok.
I remember
-holding xian's hand at a planetarium. And I still have the tiger's eye ring he gave me.
-meeting steven at a bookstore and realizing that the very, very tall gorgeous man in black leather pants was, in fact, the person I was supposed to meet.
-the way I met phil, by my friend leaning out of a window and screaming that I thought he was cute. And I remember strip 2-person spades, and listening to rain on the porch in the early hours of the morning, with a cup of tea.
-teaching MQ to love the song "The Freshmen", by The Verve Pipe, based on the arrangements of notes in the chorus.
-singing Dar Williams on a porch, being eaten alive by mosquitoes.
-michelle, and marc, and a bottle of Amaretto.
-colin, though I don't know why sometimes. I didn't know him, really. But I remember he shaved his head in a reverse mohawk.
-strip pool and Thanksgiving at aaron's house. And ducking outside, naked, into a snowy evening, to thrill at the feel of cold on my skin.
-the first time I drank maker's mark and coke, and had a patented [catallaxy]-burger. And I remember the way he looked holding john and mindy's baby.
-reading ben's play. But I mostly remember how special I felt knowing that he trusted me to proofread it.
-gay clubs with rian. And every beautiful queer boy telling me how wonderful I looked. And that I used to be able to fit in his jeans.
-the first time I made love. And the hotel. And prom. And the other couple.
-the first time I felt alive after my life with my ex fell apart. The way I knew it was bound to happen when I got a flat tire.
-knowing that LN, despite being my exact opposite, was the best roommate I ever had, for the simple fact that she balanced me perfectly.
-a tall, stunning asian boy staring at his feet in front of a row of vt220 computers. And I remember being naughty in the computer lab.
-finding out a friend was gay.
-every person that bent over backwards to let me back out of college after my step-father died.
-teaching kevin that homosexuality is not evil. And laying on the couch at the apartment in Mt. Vernon, listening to Angel by Sarah McLachlan, thinking about him and watching a rainstorm.
-the most perfect kiss ever. Outside, on a warm summer's night, rain and lightning everywhere, electric and wet and absolutely stunning, with my hand on his cheek and his on mine and a moment of complete inevitability.
I have so much history, so much backstory. I feel like so much has happened in my life. I realize after making this list that the things that stand out most in my mind about the people I've known aren't the stereotypical highlights of any relationship... it's the simple things. I don't know why they would make such an impression. I don't know why I can picture the way he looked, staring at his feet, the exact positions we were in, the introductions, the shyness, and there's so much more that's lost along the way.
I think I'm one of the few people that will admit they regret a few things that they've done in the past. Nearly every person I know claims proudly that they've made mistakes, oh yes, but they regret NOTHING! And yeah, I've said it before, too. We are imperfect beings, me included, and you know what? I fucked up pretty bad sometimes. And I deeply regret how I handled things. But that's the way it is. I've learned from it, yes. But can I honestly say I wouldn't have been better off if I hadn't fucked up in the first place? No. Not exactly.
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no subject
Date: 2003-12-17 08:44 pm (UTC)i have moments like the ones you listed above - moments when i *knew*, moments which are forever imprinted on my heart and my mind. some people never leave...
no subject
Date: 2003-12-18 04:42 pm (UTC)I think I just never want to let some people go... I think they've long since left, but I will never let myself forget them.
no subject
Date: 2003-12-20 02:39 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-18 04:35 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2003-12-18 04:45 pm (UTC)Burger was also top notch. But I think my favorite that I recall was the mac-n-cheese and tabasco. I use Red Hot now, but damn that's fine cheap meal.
You looked maternal. You looked like you were meant to hold a baby.
Hope you're doing well. I miss you a lot, sometimes.
... but only 'cause I can't aim so good. ;)
no subject
Date: 2005-08-22 08:38 pm (UTC)And incidentally, "The Freshman" had me a sobbing wreck for the year or so it was on the radio, and tugs pretty hard on my heartstrings and tear ducts, even now.
no subject
Date: 2005-08-28 03:01 am (UTC)Late, but thanks :) I think some of my writings are beautiful, but most are pretty crap. I used to think I could be really good at it, if I just practiced more.