living in sin

Day 6, Tuesday. A favourite quote and why it’s special

Oh dear god, how do I pick just one? I like quotes. I collect them. I don't have the time to dig up all of my favorites.
So have some ones from my LJ profile, because they still matter:

Spinning my wheels on the launchpad, spitting I dunno and itch. -- Flip, quoting Groupthink, from Bellwether by Connie Willis
* Bellwether is in my top 10 favorite books, easily. It's love and math and geekery, and it was given to me by one of my dearest friends, and I'm a little proud of being a Bellwether in a tiny way this past Saturday. (Long story.) Flip's quote defines that weird feeling, of being bored but twitchy, seeking something but not knowing what, needing something but not knowing where to start looking. Itch.

if you're working on loving, forever probably comes before you know it. -- this_monograph
*When I was going through my divorce, I was a little devestated by failing to love forever. That was my promise and something I deeply wanted, and deeply wanted to believe in. What my friend did with this quote was twist the way I looked at it into something more believable and achievable. Don't work on forever; work on the love.

I'd rather laugh with the sinners than cry with the saints, sinners are much more fun -- Billy Joel, "Only the Good Die Young"
*It's cheesy, it's overused, and everyone's heard it. I don't care. Billy Joel is a huge part of my childhood, and I still love him and his music. I still love this song. And I still believe this quote.

Day 3, Saturday. A treasured memory

There's a lot to choose from. I don't think I have that many from Long Long Ago - my brain cells just don't store them as much. But there are bits and pieces, fragments lying around, that still leave their indelible mark upon me.

Let's unearth a few, shall we?

My grandmother's cabin. I don't remember detail, even. Just flashes. Being excited to go there. The new set of toys that I played with only when we were there. Walking to the beach. The stairs to get to the beach.

When my cat, Bitsy, curled up on my knee when she was just a kitten, to purr herself to sleep, and how my heart absolutely jumped when my aunt and her husband said they were going to give her to me as a birthday present.

Kissing a friend under a warm summer rain. A movie director couldn't have done it better. Rain, touch, sensation, gentle, week-kneed.

Buying my first car, with my poor exhausted step-father, who had been working 3rd shift at the time. I remember him in stark detail from that morning, and I remember seeing the car and writing the check. (I suppose this memory should be filed under bittersweet, as he died within the next week - but it is treasured for its clarity.)

The first screaming, yelling, shouting-in-front-of-a-bar fight with The Beau. Because that fight is when we really learned how much we loved each other, and how much that wasn't going to change. Laughing in the middle of the shouting. Reaching that understanding of love, and that just because we yelled a little, that didn't change a thing.

Hi!
So there be this thing that ms peskipiksi pointed out, here:
http://nataliegrueninger.com/2013/07/30/a-challenge-blog-each-day-in-august/
I think I'd like to try it. I'm so out of shape writing - I speak in 140 character bits, now, and facebook shares, and pictures of food. If you know me, you know I'm deeper than that, and as always there's a piece of me that misses writing with more words.
So what the heck. Natalie even gives you the topics! How much thinking do you really need?
"Day 1, Thursday. The story of your life in 250 words"
We'll make do with 197.

36, so far. Michigan. Mother, father, step-father, step-father, step-father. Introvert, shy, smart kids' classes, poodle perm, big glasses. Moved a lot. Turned 18, learned about death (step-father #1). Went to college, learned that smart boys like smart girls. Spent 4 years a step left of reality with step-father #2. Achieved success! Learned about sex, drugs, rock-n-roll, gay clubs, friendship, drinking. Learned more about death (step-father #2). Moved to Cincinnati, planned a wedding. Opted for terrible, no-good breakup instead. Got a job. Made friends. Drank too much. Met a nice boy and went ahead with that wedding deal. Celebrated an anti-versary when we divorced 3 years to the date after the wedding. Went to counseling and learned an awful lot about myself. Got a new job. Met another nice boy. Learned more about death (beloved cat). Learned about love. Bought a new car, a new house, and a wedding license. Learned about terrible people and hope (started volunteering at an animal shelter). Adopted 4 cats. Made more new friends. Learned about being monogamish. Learned about LAN parties. Spend a lot of time missing the days when I could sit on a chair and read for 8 hours straight.

Just a quick note: today, on a walk outside through Sharon Woods, The Beau re-proposed. I haven't worn the ring since early August, and it felt very important to me to make him re-affirm his commitment to our relationship by re-proposing before I felt comfortable wearing it again. It was sweet and simple, and he even did the whole one-knee deal :) It wasn't quite the level of romanticism as the first time, but I'm glad he did it. I feel that we've both made some positive changes to our views of our relationship, and he's definitely putting effort into his own personal growth, maturity, and level of commitment.
So there it is - I can safely consider myself a fiancée again :)

Still staying off FB for the time being. It just makes me too damn angry and I don't need that much angry.

[edit] Well, I'm going to post a bit on FB now. I was just friended by a girl who I just re-met on Friday, and I don't want her to think I'm totally boring :) Not reading much, though. I just don't want to be that much involved with it.

Eating Amish cheese for breakfast. Lunch will be a dressed-up pizza, with homegrown tomatoes and ham and salami added. YUM! Early dinner tonight with two lady-friends. We shall dish and hopefully they, too, will tell me how awesome I am.

This past week has been nearly crushingly-busy... Monday I made it out for the only run I had time for; Tuesday we had date night at Betta's Italian Oven, and then we took a twilight walk around Ault Park. Pretty calm, very nice, nothing spectacular. Wednesday I had class, and then met up with Aaron and his friends at The Pub in Rookwood for a commemorative drink. Didn't get home too late, which was nice. Thursday we were supposed to have counseling, but BuildingFAIL! The a/c went out, and my counselor got a hold of me at 5:15 as I was heading out. So we took the night off to watch Kick-Ass and he actually COOKED! Gasp! for the first time in AGES. Homemade burritos FTW. Friday was the shelter, and then his band had a show at Northgate Tavern with Switchblade Syndicate. The girl in that band can SING, what a great voice! And only $5 for their EP :)
Saturday we'd made tentative plans to go hiking, but wound up going canoeing with Aaron's friend J and a small portion of his family. I've never been, and it was awfully nice to indulge my water baby tendencies. (I am a Pisces, after all.) We rented canoes and did an 8-mile trip, stopping here and there for breaks, noshing, and beer re-filling. Canoeing, in general, = cabrewing from what I understand. We kept our beer light, J made us sammiches, and we packed in gatorade. The weather turned out perfect, after some rain squalls in the morning, and we picked up some sun. And during the trip, I didn't really notice how much work I was doing by paddling, but I ACHE today. My entire upper body is tired, and I have bruises on my legs from hauling the canoe over a stretch of land when we took a wrong turn :P Then homeward bound for cheeken weengs and a final beer... and then we COLLAPSED. We'd put in Old School to watch, made it maybe a quarter of the way through, and then I woke up as the credits were rolling. We slept in hard this morning, let me tell you.
Today is a boatload of nothing, except for that dinner... and Aaron is currently in the kitchen makin' up a batch of chili, and it smells delicious in our house.

Last night I had a Stupid!Epiphany. (It deserves it's own name because it's one of those things that is absolutely obvious once you've realized it.) I am still so hurt and angry because I love him. That's actually been a great thing to realize. It makes me want to work. It makes me want to find a way to help heal ourselves. Stupid!Epiphany isn't a magic fix or anything, but I feel better for having realizing it. If I wasn't still hurt and angry - if the things that have transpired didn't stir up my feelings like that - then that would be a sign that there wasn't as much love as I thought. I can work for love, but I won't go through this for less than that.

Little things I need to do:

Buy more cat fudz
Buy new pillow with 20% Bed, Bath, and Beyond coupon (which makes the price almost reasonable!)
Get oil changed
Get new windshield wiper blades
Make tattoo appointment for color/touchup/further discussion
Pay credit card
Clean out inbox/email replies
Homework (due Wednesday @ noon)
Go for a run
Make vet appointment for Opal's shots (which includes calling new vet location and getting records faxed over)
Email father
Dump San Francisco pics, write San Franciso entry, purchase thank-you gift for hosts, write hosts a letter, send back gift, letter, and memory card that we used
Refill my prescriptions - pending doc's approval on one
Use tanning salon membership
Get a pedicure

I thought you all might also enjoy a gratuitous shot of my cat, Opal. She is a little bit brainless but knows how to use "cute" to her advantage.




(It makes the clicky if you want to view a bigger version)

http://otterdance.livejournal.com/400572.html

Dunno if you've read any of Lynn Flewelling's stuff, but she does some excellent fantasy (I did book reviews of a trilogy of hers recently). She's looking for art. Deadline: June 30, 2010. It's for the Nightrunner series.

To do's tomorrow:

1) Enjoy the fact that I'm not at work. --> ON IT. Slept 'til 10. Felt great!
2) Drown cramps in pain medication. Eagerly anticipate arrival of birth control pills to begin taking next Sunday. --> ON IT. Anticipation shall continue throughout next week.
3) Shower. --> ACCOMPLISHED!
4) Pull together papers due by next Tuesday (for my class at UC this semester). This may wait till Monday. I assume y'all are aware of my methods of procrastination by now :)
5) Wrap up laundry; change sheets.
6) Change cat litter, vacuum office. --> ACCOMPLISHED!
7) Leftover Indian for lunch. MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM. --> ACCOMPLISHED!
8) Accept fact that body will never again be similar to shape acquired in 20's. --> ACCOMPLISHED! It's all the work involved in 8a that is holding me back. I mean, WORK. It's my VACATION, dammit.
8a) Acknowledge above acceptance by sorting through clothing; create pile of clothes to donate to Goodwill.
9) Water plants. --> ACCOMPLISHED!
10) Be excited about how much I've achieved and/or be upset about how little I've achieved. Either way, slack off by reading comics. --> ACCOMPLISHED!
11) Kitty shelter.
11a) Remember to bring in paper towels to STAF from Aaron's trunk.